Our Financial Journey Through 20 Years of Marriage

My wife, Rachael, and I will be celebrating our 20-year anniversary in a few days. As I reflect on our marriage to this point, we’ve experienced different stages of life, each with unique financial circumstances and takeaways from those. I thought I’d share a summary of some of our stages and phases.

Early Years – Dual Income No Kids (DINKS)

We got married in our early 20s and life was pretty carefree. We enjoyed spending time together and in hindsight, I realize how much free time we had. We took advantage of it but didn’t realize at the time how much that would change when kids arrived. We moved and worked in several different jobs during this stage, and those transitions were pretty easy as we didn’t have deep roots or own much. In 2005, I discovered financial planning as a career and knew that it was for me. I’d always had an interest in personal finance and investing, got a B.S. from the economics department at UCSD, and given my personality and passions I felt like it was the perfect fit. Financially this stage was comfortable. Neither of us had high-paying jobs being that we were just starting our careers, but with two incomes and fairly low expenses, it was enough. We had pretty good financial habits and thankfully had been taught some financial basics such as the importance of budgeting, avoiding consumer debt, and saving regularly. There was still a learning curve to making financial decisions, and how to communicate and work well together, but I think we did a pretty good job and it’s an ongoing part of marriage.

Takeaways:

-          Enjoy getting to know each other and the free time you have.

-          Develop good financial habits and live within your means.

-          Learn how to communicate about finances and what roles you’ll each play.

-          The “envelope system” of budgeting worked well for us. Though it required work and discipline, it helped with communication. Our “fun money” envelopes, which allowed each of us to have our own no-questions-asked spending money was key to giving each other some financial freedom, providing an ability to spend money on things that might not be something the other would want to spend money on, preventing disagreements.

-          Establishing the habit of charitable giving was also important. Generosity has a way of not only helping others but providing perspective and gratitude and we’ve been blessed by the decision to faithfully give a portion of our income.

Putting Down Roots

Early in our marriage, we moved from San Diego to Sacramento for job opportunities and to experience living somewhere else, but after several years of gaining experience and discovering my “forever career”, we started to think about where we’d want to live longer-term. We both still had family in San Diego and decided to move back as we looked towards putting down roots and eventually starting a family. Rachael has always been very supportive of doing what was best for my career as we knew our goal was for her to stay at home when we had kids, which is something we decided early on. We knew that we would lose a significant portion of our income when kids arrived, so we had to be careful not to settle into a lifestyle we couldn’t eventually afford. All of this was a balancing act as we looked to start a family.

Takeaways:

-          Finding a career that I could see myself doing and enjoying for many years, and the right place to grow and learn the necessary skills, has been a true blessing.

-          Looking ahead kept us from simply living in the moment and establishing a lifestyle we couldn’t afford. This is especially important if you anticipate a significant change in income in the future.

-          In hindsight, we would have purchased a home sooner but were conservative in our approach to not overspend. However, “reasonably stretching” would have benefited us, though there is no guarantee it will always work that way.

Young Kids and Starting a Business

As any parent knows, kids are a joy and a lot of work! When Rachael stopped working to be home we had to reassess our budget. Even though we had planned for this, we still had to rein in our spending, as well as add in the costs that come along with having children. We also had to remind ourselves at times, that when we had other friends buying bigger houses, nicer cars, and taking more exotic vacations, we made a conscious financial sacrifice for her to be home. This is very much a personal decision but was right for our family. While in this stage, we took a huge step of faith to step out after almost 10 years at another financial planning office, to start my business. To make a long story short, through a lot of prayer and discussion, we both felt it was the right thing to do. Once again, we had to tighten our budget even further and make the tough decision to be willing to “invest” our savings in making this work. Being conservative by nature and spending down savings without a guarantee that we would see a return was a risk, but thankfully we were in agreement on doing so. Rachael made some extra income by providing daycare for a friend of ours, and we are blessed to have supportive parents who would do small things like drop off a box of diapers or take our family to dinner, which meant a lot to us.

Takeaways:

-          Having kids is truly life-changing and Avery and Tanner bring so much joy to our family. We try to remember the saying that "the days can be long but the years fly by", and embrace patience.

-          Life isn’t always predictable or go as planned, be flexible and open to change, whether chosen or due to circumstances.

-          Be sure to reassess your finances periodically as things like your insurance coverage or investment strategy may need to be updated to reflect how your life has changed.

-          Supporting each other and having the support of family and friends is invaluable. 

Present

Life feels busy as our kids are very involved in various activities, but we love it. We realize our schedules are often dictated by their schedules, and we are embracing that as we realize this will ultimately be a short stage of life that goes by in a flash. We’ve also realized kids only get more expensive as they get older, and we’ve had to update and adjust our spending plan to account for this. I’m happy to have pushed through the initial years of building my business, and now, through God’s provision, have a business that I truly love working in. I am grateful beyond words to all of my clients and other individuals who have entrusted me to serve you while allowing me to support my family by doing work that I love.

Takeaways:

-          In some ways, our financial habits look different today than they did 20 years ago but they follow the same principles. For instance, we no longer use an “envelope” budgeting system, but we still have a rough spending plan that we review, and we have developed habits of living within our means, so it isn’t as necessary to have quite the same discipline of tracking every penny. In a way, it’s like developing muscle memory.

-          Life goes faster than you think (Avery will be in high school next year and at times I feel like we've just started this parenting journey). We are all wired differently, some are natural savers and others tend to live for the moment, yet a purposeful effort should be made to find the right balance between planning for the future and enjoying the present.

Future

I don’t know exactly what the future holds but college and retirement (many, many years down the road) are probable events we are planning for. I’m fortunate to work with many people who are ahead of me in this journey and while I provide guidance to them, I also gain valuable insight into these stages of life. For instance, retirement looks different for everyone, and deciding to retire is more than just making sure you are financially able to retire. Rachael and I look forward to our next 20+ years together while at the same time enjoying today and reminding ourselves how important contentment is to financial success.

-          Do your best to make wise decisions to plan for an unknown future.

-          Be flexible and make adjustments, as your plans will undoubtedly take some unplanned turns. As Proverbs 16:9 says, We can make our plans but the Lord determines our steps.

Though I’ve given an overview, there are many details left out. We’ve made some good decisions, and plenty of bad ones too. In hindsight, there are things we would have done differently, but life is a journey, you live and you learn. We’ve learned and experienced that you can’t reliably time the market, and we’ve found that to be true with stocks, housing, etc. Outcomes are often dependent on both things we can and can’t control. Focus on what you can control and don’t worry too much about what you can’t.

Looking back at our 20 years of marriage, the best decision I made was to ask Rachael to marry me and I’m so lucky that she said yes. I am beyond blessed to have such a loving and supportive wife and am grateful for her every day.